Being a Royals fan is like being born blind and with no legs.

I’ll qualify that because it kind of offends even me. Being a Royals fan in the world of baseball is similar (not literally) to being severely handicapped in the real world. It really sucks, but it sucks so bad that no one really bothers to pick on you.

I was introduced to the Royals during the “Golden Age” of Kansas sports. This was a time period similar to the era of Pericles in Athens, when the Athenians ruled the known world with the most powerful military and best culture of the time. It does not bode well for me that neither Athens nor Greece has come near to that level in a couple of millennia. The Royals won the World Series in 1985, and my first memory of baseball was watching them in the ALCS against the Blue Jays that same year. The Golden Age ended in 1989 with the aftershock of Wichita State winning the College World Series, with two Final Four appearances by KU in 1986 and 1988 coming between the baseball titles - the ’88 KU team winning the title. Throughout this era, the Royals were a legitimate contender, with players like George Brett, Bo Jackson, and Bret Saberhagen, amongst others.

What is it like now? The Royals only appearance in the press this year was when they threatened the Major League record for consecutive losses. KC ended its streak at 19; the American League record was safe at 21, held by the Baltimore Orioles (the National League Cleveland Spiders set the Major League record at 24 in 1899). Is it worse to almost set the record, therefore losing at being the worst loser, or to actually set the record? I go with not setting the record, as it’s always better to be anonymous than infamous. I think.

Where did the losing start? I’ll give my recollection on it. Please be aware that I was five-years-old when they won the World Series, but I believe I understand the franchise better than those running it. Most Royals fans point to the death of the rich and generous Ewing Kauffman in 1993 as the beginning of the end, as KC was competitive until then. But that’s crap. It started before then.

Say it Ain’t So Bo
Bo Jackson played for the Raiders. This was unfathomable to me as a child. How can someone play for the Royals and the Raiders? I think it’s an inherent part of human nature for people to split the world into two sides – us and them. This begins at the earliest age on relatively simple levels but continues throughout life in varying degrees of complexity.

I’ll explain my world as a child to you in terms of these dichotomies: there’s my Royals against the Athletics and the Yankees (everyone else is somewhat neutral), my Chiefs and the Raiders and Broncos, my USA against the USSR (kind of the ultimate), my Republicans against Democrats, my Ford and then all other cars, my Coke against Pepsi, my Jayhawks against Missouri and K-State. Some of these have changed (Athletics to White Sox, USSR to Al-Qaeda, don’t care about car brands), but some have not (Pepsi still sucks, Raiders and the Broncos suck, and Missouri definitely sucks [by which I mean the University of Missouri in Columbia, as the Royals and the Chiefs play in Missouri, which is a dichotomy that almost blew up my young worldview]).

The point is that Bo was on both sides. He would crush homeruns for the Royals, and then destroy the Chiefs a month later as one of the best backs in football with the Raiders (special recognition to SuperTecmoBowl Bo, who has been widely recognized as the greatest Nintendo football player of all-time). It was as if Bo was a fighting Wolverine (Red Dawn) and then was in Top Gun trying to shoot down Merlin. Plus, Al Davis is way more evil than Gorbachev. The world could not support this clash; this crossing of the streams. The inevitable occurred: Bo destroyed his hip playing football. What could have been one of the greatest baseball careers in history was trashed by the typical three-year career of the NFL running back. I remember the day when the Royals released Bo. I was shocked. I had no idea his injury was so serious – just devastating news, both for the Royals and for my plan to fund my education with my 1987 Topps Bo Jackson rated rookie card.

The Curse of the Davis Brothers (who weren’t really brothers)
Before this happened, there were other signs as well. 1990 was going to be the year that the Royals overtook the A’s. We had the lineup, with Jackson, George Brett, Danny Tartabull, the immortal Willie Wilson. We had the pitching: Saberhagen, Mark Gubizca, and Kevin Appier were all frontline starters. The year before the Royals had won 92 games and finished second to the World Champion A’s (I had to look up the number of wins). And, we added Storm and Mark Davis. Storm (this name is kind of a harbinger of doom) was a starter for the A’s, and the Mark had had a monster year closing for the Padres (winning the Cy Young award). And the Royals went out and sucked that year. We didn’t even play .500 ball, and finished sixth out of seven teams in the old AL West. The Davises sucked, which began a decade of signing and trading for players that performed horribly for KC. After this horrendous year, Bo was injured.

Thus began the end of the era of good baseball in KC. Bo sold his soul to the Devil (Al Davis) and I have suffered because of it since. But I still love Bo. He just made a bad choice. And John Schuerholz left after 1989 to be the GM for the Braves. Maybe that’s why our signings sucked that year. After all, Schuerholz has only had teams dominate the majors since 1980 when he joined the Royals.

Ok, so it wasn’t inevitable that the Royals would go from one of the best franchises (oh yes, it’s true, they were) to one of the worst (ok, ok, the worst). Many people contributed to this sad decline. As my father has often stated, nothing in the history of the world has been proven so clearly and indisputably as the fact that those running the Royals are BAD at their job.

Fuck Chuck Knoblauch (and Juan Gonzalez, and Chili Davis)
The signposts of a proud franchise declining were slowly checked off (never lost 100 games – opps, never finished last – opps), forgettable manager after manager cycled through (Bob Wathan, Hal McRae, Tony Muser). Bad signing followed bad trade (Saberhagen traded for Kevin McReynolds, Keith Miller, and Greg Jeffries – a two-time Cy Young winner for Who, Who, and Who).

I’d heard the stories of the old KC A’s being a farm team for the rest of the league (e.g. Roger Maris to the Yanks for a song), but never imagined I’d see it happen again. The Saberhagen deal was just the beginning. Heard of Johnny Damon? Carlos Beltran? Jermaine Dye? Yeah, that’s what would be the best outfield in baseball. But KC, in its wisdom, opted to trade them for Neifi Perez, Roberto Hernandez, and Mark Tehan amongst others. Guess what? Yep, they all suck.

I could rant about being a small-market team, where greed and TV revenue rules the league. But what’s the point? Oakland’s not terrible. Minnesota is OK. Whatever the economics of the game (which are definitely unfair) – the Royals suck.

Nosotros Creemos
Like a last meal before being executed, the Royals opened 2003 with a big winning streak and were in FIRST place at the All-Star break. This coincided with two Final Fours in a row for KU – 2002 and 2003. Could it be a new era for Kansas of greatness? The gods responded clearly NO. KU choked away the title game to Syracuse by hitting less than 50% of their free throws, and the Royals floundered down the stretch. Charismatic manager Tony Pena became asshole annoying manager overnight. His catch phrase became a mockery of all us, and he resigned after having several affairs in KC putting him in precarious situations. Believe it! Surprisingly effective Jose Lima reverted to particularly horrible Jose Lima (Lima Time is over).

But, it took a long time for this to sink in. We’re a little isolated in Kansas, and I hung onto the idea that the Royals were a first rate team just going through a tough time much longer than the position was tenable. To paraphrase Rick Pitino: George Brett is NOT walking through that door, and neither is Willie Wilson. Not even Buddy Biancalana is going to be walking in. Linda Cohn openly mocks the Royals on ESPN – Linda Cohn! She of twelve toes! I finally realized the truth with this year’s losing streak, when the Royals were also threatening Detroit’s all-time losingest year when they dropped 119 games in 2003. Counting out the number of wins needed to avoid this kind of forces you to realize, wow, we suck.

We’re the new Tigers.