Border War

It's the big week that will explain my blog title. Well, yes young sir, it does pretty much explain itself. But, this is a testimonial of how I interpret it. Missouri sucks in a special way for every individual, just as everyone takes a different lesson from Star Wars: A New Hope.

It'’s homecoming. And the Jayhawks are playing the Mizzou Tigers. And I hate Mizzou.

Crimes against humanity
But I'm not going to write about the 19^th century atrocities committed by Missourians. After all, only a few thousand of them OWNED other people, and only a few thousand crossed across the border into the Kansas territory to steal an election and foist an immoral and illegal constitution onto the citizens of Kansas, thereby attempting to usurp a couple centuries of progress in self-determination and political freedom, not to mention dragging an emerging world power into one of the most bloody and fratricidal wars the world had ever seen.

Speaking of violence, there'’s no reason to mention the couple of raids on Lawrence, Kansas, the former capital of the Free State Kansans (the only ones with any political legitimacy) and current home of the University of Kansas. This includes that infamous Missourian William Quantrill'’s massacre of 150 men in Lawrence on August 21, 1863. But, as any proud Missourian will tell you, they never seceded and were indeed Unionists - a fact I am sure those Kansans shot and burned will find most reassuring.

Tyus Edny just stole Norm Stewarts walker!
Also, as it is football season, it's not really important to talk about the disaster that is Missouri basketball. It'’s cool that they would be ranked in the top ten in the early 90s, beat Kansas with players like Anthony Peeler and Doug Smith, and then crap out against anyone else when it really mattered. Seemed strange to me, that KU would beat big-time opponents on national television, and occasionally advance to the Final Four, but Missouri (who beat us!) couldn'’t do shit. But then my mom explained it to me: "“They suck; they'’re choking little bitches." Maybe those weren'’t her exact words, but close enough...

Quin Snyder. Right.

And I don'’t even want to think about the goddamned St. Louis Cardinals. Bat your pitcher eighth one more time Larussa, you might win the World Series. How many times does this guy win 100 games without bringing home the prize? Putz.

Brian Luke (Brian Luke!) shredded your team
But anyway, the reason we hate them is because their football team and fans are LAAAAAAAAAAAAAME. They are the Tigers. How many teams are the Tigers? I suppose it's not as generic as Wildcats, and they couldn't in this day and age be honest and call their team the Bushwackin'’ Slavers. Oh, it makes me mad to think of the thousands who come into my town in their horrible black and gold Tiger getups. I'’ll punch them if I see them.

Underachieving is what Missouri does best. They talk and talk and talk about how they'’re a football school, and their best year is what? 8-5 and a Poulan Weedeater Bowl (man, I love crappy bowl games -– bowl week is fun, except for all the crappy MAC teams that play in those games -– why do they get 35 bids?). I guess THIS is the year that Brad Smith wins the Heisman.

In a couple of hours they will play the game. We'’ve taken two in a row, and we'’ve got them in Lawrence. Fatty McFat Magino's job depends on winning this game (don'’t kid yourselves -– it really does). Despite all this, and God I hate to say this, but I saw this Kansas team, and I don'’t think they have a prayer of beating anyone in the Big 12...

Oh yeah, it'’s Mizzou -– they'’ll choke. KU 24 MU 17.

Shameless Bill Simmons rip-off of the week that'’s really just mocking him but only because he has the job I really want but I quit the Journalism school to study international relations and the prisoner's dilemma...

Have you guys been watching Laguna Beach? I mean, Kristen is totally awesome in a 90210 old person meets Melrose Place and The O.C., but then again LC is hot like when the Red Sox hit the Pesky poll and then a wrestling match broke out with the Clippers and then I wrote a book with Jimmy Kimmel who I mention all the time like anyone cares, but gawd Boston is cool like my wife who I only acknowledge by an annoying and dehumanizing nickname that I made up for her, but holy shit Keanu Reeves is a bad actor that I secretly have a (wait for the terribly lame fake word) mancrush (there it is!) on.

Gambling on the Patriots is awesome! But couldn'’t Paul Pierce try a little harder?