Germany wins Winter Olympics, but Italy still refuses to give them their northern territories

Can you bitch about the media bitching without being a hypocritical bitchy member of the media? What’s that? No one reads this but my sister?! Well, that’s good, then I can bitch about the media!

Why is the American media so incredibly stupid about sporting events that don’t involve the traditional American sports? They’re always shocked when Americans don’t win, and they are the only ones in the world who expected the American athlete of the day to do well. Chief examples in the past games is Bode Miller.

I’m going to defend this guy. He said stupid things, yes. But he’s said them for years. He just didn’t realize that this time people were listening. He’s stated that he skis as fast as he cans, knowing he’s either going to fall down or win. So what did he do? He went out and didn’t finish most of his races. The only shocking result was his 5^th place in the downhill, where after a fast time on the tougher upper part of the course Miller appeared to coast a little on the bottom and finished out of the medals.

So this is shocking right? I mean, he was on the cover of Time and Sports Illustrated! He’s a huge choker! He OWES us medals! Five of them! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! What’s that? He’s only the third ranked overall skier on the World Cup circuit? And what’s more, Miller’s not ranked in the top 5 in any event other than the combined this year.

Of course last year Miller was the top overall skier in the world and ranked number one in the super-G and second in downhill and giant slalom. And he won two silvers in Salt Lake. So yeah, it’s disappointing that he didn’t win anything this year. But is it really shocking that he didn’t do as well in Europe as he did in the States? And during a year that his performance has obviously dropped off after the tremendous (and possibly draining) accomplishment of winning the overall title last year, the first for an American in 30-some years?

Shockingly, there were skiers from other countries competing. Including some from a country that has had a couple of good skiers over the years, and happens to be somewhat close to Italy – Austria. You don’t think they were fired up after sucking in the USA in ’02? In front of basically home crowds in mountains they’ve known since they were old enough to stand? Oh yeah, the best skier in the world happens to be Austrian – Benjamin Raich. Oh you hadn’t heard of him? NBC ignored him? Well, he was second behind Bode last year and has a commanding lead this year on the World Cup circuit. His two golds just came out of nowhere didn’t they?

Anyway, here’s the highlights of the rest of the games.

First weekend

Opening ceremonies – oh there were weird people dancing and doing weird things to music. Haha, laugh at the Euros. But you watch for the march of nations. This is where you get to see all the flags and the outfits of every nation. But most importantly, you get to laugh at the warm weather countries that have like 3 athletes. Stupid Tunisia, cower at the power of the American skiers and skaters!

The first day of competition was a day of sports Americans REALLY don’t care about (e.g. biathlon). But the Americans did win one gold to start it off, with Chad Hedrick winning the 5000 meters speedskating. And we were introduced to Shani Davis (notable becuae he’s black! In the Winter Olympics!) Little did we know then all the excitement we’d get later in the games from the speedskaters (assholes).

NBC also showed us how they were going to handle the games as well, which was pretty much terrible. First, even if you don’t see the results earlier in the day, it’s hard not to figure out what happened. If it’s after 10 pm, the American won, ok? Something very weird and false about the commentary too. “Well Dan Jansen, if Hedrick can get a fast first lap in he could win the gold (hehehe)!” “Yes that’s true, but it’s very suspenseful!” They also show maybe three competitors. You get no sense of the competition developing at all. Just not good sports coverage.

Sunday was better. We have the halfpipe, the coolest sport in the world. Yes, when this first started I thought it was stupid. Just some bullshit the Americans threw in there to win some medals (we swept the medals in Salt Lake). But this is real competition. There are a lot of athletes doing this now. I was prepped for this event, having watched the X-Games (my new favorite thing), which were in Aspen just a couple of weeks before the Olympics. Shaun White had won his fourth X-Games in a row (and he’s only 19 I think) and was therefore the heavy favorite.

His day started rough though, as flubbed his first jump in his first qualifying run. So the pressure was on for the second run, as White had to have a clean run to advance to the finals. White toned down his run and landed everything to advance. At the bottom, he made exaggerated motions of wiping sweat off his forehead. What’s this? An Olympic athlete making a smart strategic decision AND having fun? Crazy. In his interview immediately following his run (a great part of halfpipe that should be incorporated into all events), White admitted he was more nervous than he had ever been, and was actually honest.

In the finals White did what he does best, which is go higher than everyone else and board cleaner than everyone else. In that interview White said he thought the judges were looking for that, and everyone trying to do crazy stunts and screwing up the landings just looked like crap. This kid’s instant analysis is better than any sports’ commentary I’ve ever heard at the Winter Olympics (Dick Button watch your back!).

A Fin interceded and screwed up the American sweep of the medals, but that seemed to only make the event more legit. After White found out he won, his family rushed out and White was choked up in his interview, which was a genuinely nice moment. In his later interviews White said he hoped his medal would help him pick up Sasha Cohen, which led to a great interview of Cohen by Bob Costas where he repeatedly asked her if she was going to hook up with White, while Sasha was noticeably flustered.

The first Sunday also featured the South Koreans taking their revenge on Apolo Anton Ohno in the 1500 meter short track race, taking gold and silver while Ohno did not advance to the finals. Thank god for that. Now maybe our nations can be allies again. The best part of this sport was when Ohno “cheated” to win gold in Salt Lake, and the South Korean soccer team paid homage to this when they scored on the USA in the ’02 World Cup by imitating a speed skater. You score in the World Cup, the premier athletic event of modern times, and your first thought is short track speedskating? Bizarre, but not as bizarre as Ohno needing 100 cops when he visited South Korea for a competition. Read that sentence again.

The rest of the competition

Other highlights were the Latvian miracle on ice, where they tied the United States. I still enjoyed the hockey, even though we sucked. Our final game in pool play against Russia was a great open game, with Russia winning 5-4. We also made a good comeback against the Fins in the quarters before losing. My adopted Czechs beat the Slovaks in a divorce court throw down, and also beat the Russians for the bronze, which totally makes up for 50 years of occupation and oppression.

Sasha’s cute, but choked. My fiancée says the same about Jeremy Bloom. Curling would be great if there was lots of drinking involved. Ohno won a gold later in the 500 meters and two bronzes (including one in the thrilling "mill around the ice like it's couple skate time at the school skating party" relay event). Don’t you think Shani Davis was really just Dave Chappelle making fun of the Olympics? How do you become a biathlete? Are you just not good enough at cross country so you decide to pick up shooting or do kids in Norway grow up loving this sport? Why isn’t basketball in the winter games, which is when everyone plays it?