Fantasy Draft Guide

I hate fantasy football. But I started a league anyway. So I thought I'd put my thoughts on the upcoming season on here, with my suggestions for whom to pick.

Wide receivers

Steve Largent – Doesn’t get nearly the credit he deserves as he plays in Seattle, Canada. They don’t even put their games on television. Since they switch leagues every three years they have a hard time getting a real following. Probably the best ever white Republican receiver.

Carl Nesmith – The first of several defensive players that I expect to be a force on offense, even if they won’t actually get you any “fantasy points,” whatever those are. Although he hasn’t played any football in several years, and has never played at the NFL level, I expect a breakout season for the “Butcher”, a former University of Kansas star. Also a good friend of former junior college back-up punter Nick Becker.

Tamarick Vanover – You know how you feel after that tenth bong hit of the night at 4:30 in the morning? When you’re suddenly so stoned you’re sober again, even though you can’t feel your feet? Yeah, me neither. But that’s what happened to Tamarick in training camp this year – he smoked himself all the way back to awesome. Sure, he’s a risk, but remember that punt return for a TD to beat Denver in OT? That was awesome.

Running Backs

Ronnie Lott – Doesn’t even play running back, but he hit that one guy real hard that one time so I’d pick him real early. Or was that Steve Atwater? Sterling Sharpe?

Priest Holmes/Marshall Faulk – these guys on the injured reserve are better than half the league.

Maurice Clarrett – Oh man. Despite the character issues, I expect 1500 yards and 20-plus touches. They may just not be the type of touches he wants! Burn! I was going to try and get through this without a prison anal rape joke. Damn.

Quarterbacks

Chip Hilary – Another former KU great who’s set for a breakout season. After a stellar senior season in which he was honorable mention all Big Six and runner-up MVP in the Oahu Hawaii Pi Phi Jeep and Eagle Bowl, Chip has been preparing for the NFL over the past 15 years selling cars and lifting weights with DeAngelo Evans.

Gabe Mervosh – This is for you NHS kids reading this. God, I’m cracking myself up thinking about the quarterbacks North High trotted out during my time. Remember when the 4’10” kid named Bobo played about 2 games at quarterback? What made it even sadder was that he beat out Nick Museousky. You know that had to hurt. It was all downhill after Matt Peterson.

Aaron Brooks – After dominating the NFC and winning dozens of games for the Saints, Aaron is looking for a new challenge in the AFC. With Randy Moss to throw to, don’t be surprised if he throws for 30 TDs. If Brooks is still there after the first round, I’d be shocked. Ok, ok, I can’t keep a straight face anymore. What are the odds that Art Shell eats Brooks after he throws 4 interceptions in the first half of the season? I’d say 3-1.

Tight Ends

Hmm, there really aren’t any funny tight ends out there. Keith Cash? Mark Bavaro? He was pretty funny. I always enjoy when Kellen Winslow declares himself god on a football field and then proceeds to cut off his own hand in a bizarre accident.

Players to avoid:

Ladainian Tomlinson – Sure, he may have been dominant the last few years. But remember what happened to Christian Okoye? After some great seasons, Marty ruined him. That’s probably what will happen to Ladainian this year, so you shouldn’t pick him.

Kimble Anders – I have to disagree with Chris on this one. I think he’ll have a hard time getting enough touches to be great this year competing with Greg Hill, Donnell Bennett, Barry Word, and Harvey “The Neck” Williams for playing time.

Trent Green – DEAD MAN WALKING!