Into the Belly of the Beast

A special report from our reporter on the spot, Mr. Chris Thompson...

This weekend I get a voicemail from my sister Debbie. She is cutting out on the message, but I catch something about going to Columbia, because someone has tickets. I assume she is talking about when she came to Kansas for Thanksgiving that someone had tickets to the KU-MU football game. It turns out my brother-in-law Brian, who is the Sports Information Director for Stetson University in Orlando, is in Columbia this weekend with Stetson’s basketball team. They are playing in a tournament with Mizzou, Army and North Carolina A&T. Brian can get free tickets if I wanted. Not thinking Missouri basketball is very high on my list, I am a little hesitant. But I haven’t seen Brian in a long time, and it is a Division I basketball game, so I decide to go. What else was I going to do sit at home and watch Damon Huard suck against the Dolphins? (Bye-bye QB controversy.) Besides it will be interesting to see Columbia, for the first time, and you have to know your enemy.

So I set out on Sunday morning and headed into crazy Missouri. I have traveled through the state quite a few times, but usually give it a passing glance and that’s all. This time I would get to see Missouri, and really experience what it is these people I hate are all about. Once passing KC, I start getting into real Misery. After Independence, MO, on I-70, there starts to be billboards for “Fireworks!” and “Adult Videos” about every other mile. I am not exaggerating. I got that feeling that I used to get when we’d drive down West Kellog in Wichita heading out to Kicks. You don’t see a whole lot of bad things happening, but a feeling of dirty sin just cloaks around you. The “Fireworks!” signs beat out the “Adult Videos” signs by a large margin. I can only assume this is so because Missourians like to watch stuff get “blowed” up. Maybe that’s why they are always blowing up their meth labs.

I am headed to Mizzou aiming for a 2:00 tip-off, but my sister Debbie calls me half-way there and informs me the game starts at 4:00. With time to spare I pull off in Sweet Springs, MO to get something to eat. I got off there because they had a Sonic, and I thought America’s Drive-In would be a good place to get something I could bring in the car. However, Missouri apparently has the world’s only Sonic with no drive-in. You have to go in and order. As I sit in there for nearly 20 minutes waiting on my complex order of a cheeseburger w/ fries, and listen to some locals talk about their huntin’, I grimace at their sign that says “America’s #1 Drive-In.”

Continuing on, I get to Columbia at what was initially tip-off, but now is not. I call Brian and try to find his hotel. I am incapable of finding it, so I tell him I will just meet him at the stadium. This extra time gives me a chance to drive around Columbia and see what it looks like. As I am driving around the area that I thought was where Brian’s hotel was located I passed a run-down hotel, that has a pick-up up on blocks, a dirt parking lot, window-unit A/C’s, and is advertising rooms for $15 a night. I think about snapping a photo of this and saying that all of Columbia looked like that. But sadly its not true. It’s a nice looking town. They have an old, nineteenth century downtown just like Lawrence. Theirs is nice, but I am sure it was built quicker, what with all that free/forced labor, but you know whatever. Also their bar district is adjacent to campus, which is cool. Other than that, there’s not much to Columbia.

I started towards the stadium and found Paige Arena. There seemed to be plenty of parking up near the arena, which is located next to the Hearnes Center and the football stadium, however all of that parking was permit only. So I got booted back across the street to a parking garage. I thought ‘Well this will be fun to get out of after the game.’ That, I find out later, is a dumb worry. I sat in my car and listened to the end of the Chiefs game. Then 45 minutes before tip-off I started walking to Paige Arena, oh it’s actually called Mizzou Arena I guess. I had to fight through the crowd walking to the arena, which consisted of me and one other guy.

Paige Arena is located on Champions Drive . . . I guess some people consider Big Eight Conference Championships as the ultimate. They did win all of seven in the 50 years Norm Stewart was there. And I guess they don’t like playing those 4 other teams that are now in the league. Some of us could actually put our arena on Champions Drive, but that’s neither here nor there.

I get my tickets and I head inside. Their arena is extremely nice, sadly. It is equipped with luxury boxes and is brand new. My ticket is directly behind Stetson’s bench. As I enter the arena I immediately spot Brian down on the bench. We greet and chat about various things. He informs me that Stetson has all of two players that have played D-1 basketball before. Looking at their roster, they have one upperclassman on the entire team. I ask him what he thinks their chances are. He tells me that if they can handle Mizzou’s full court press, they should be able to keep it respectable, if not they will lose by forty. With this prediction I head to my seat and allow Brian to get back to work. There is still 30 minutes before tip, so the empty arena does not seem all that strange to me. I am slightly worried that some booster will claim I am in their seat and I will have to move. These worries are quickly deemed ridiculous. As empty as the arena was when I walked in is how empty it stays. There were no more than 1500 to 2000 people there. Later when the attendance is announced as 4400, even the Mizzou student section laughs.

The student section, which calls itself the Zou Crew, get it?, has about 15 rows full by game time and that’s it. The famed Antlers are present though. Brian described them to Stetson’s coach as Cameron Crazy wannabes who are really just rednecks. My seat is very close to the student section and I hear the taunts of the Antlers all game. Their favorite target on Stetson is a guard named Chris Thomas who is missing his index finger on his left hand. They don’t really have any clever comments they just remind him it is missing. Anyways he drains a three in their face and dunks on an alley-oop. Their other taunts are just sad. For Stetson guard McMillian… “McMillian… McSucks” is what they come up with. And my favorite, for a forward named Okafor “Okafor plays like Okafive!” I am at a loss. They are just sad.

Mizzou’s intro for their starting line-up consisted of an animated video. A tiger comes out to half-court, and begins to run around the computer-generated Paige arena. Interestingly he runs with both his front paws and back paws sticking together. And he doesn’t seem to move all that well. Eventually his two paws jerk forward and hit a basketball into the hoop which explodes. This sends the student section into an ear-piercing 15 decibel cheer. Brian says to me at halftime, “I think Dominic (his two-month-old son) could have drawn a better tiger.”

The game starts and Stetson forces a few early turnovers and hits some shots and goes up early. I think, This is cool. Mizzou can’t hit the broadside of a barn so they never can establish that fearful full-court press. It is the Stetson Hatters who apply the pressure and continue to stay in the lead for most of the first half. Mizzou finally figures out to get the ball to Kaleon Grimes, their one big post man, and he pulls the Tigers back in front. But the Stetson coach quickly switches to zone to stop the post man. It works and the Hatters go ahead again. Halftime score: Stetson 27 Mizzou 25. I tried to hide my smile but I can’t. This is Stetson. A team in the Atlantic Sun Conference, and they are beating Mizzou, which, remember, considers itself a basketball school, at halftime in front of a Paige Arena that is less than a sixteenth full. As a Jayhawk, I am in heaven.

Sadly, Mizzou pulls it together in the 2^nd half and starts to pull away from the Hatters, and win 66-45. Their new scorer this year is Matt Lawrence who can shoot the 3. He has played three games this year and already surpassed his season total from last year. The second half is not as fun. The Tigers look pretty good against this formidable foe. The best thing in the second half was the Missouri dance squad which is named the Golden Girls. They had a nice routine, but during the middle Blanch and Rose got in a fight and then Sophia broke it up by chiming in with a humorous punch line. Really? You named your dance squad after a mediocre late ‘80’s sitcom about geriatric women?

The game ends and Mizzou receives their trophy for winning the John Thompson Foundation Classic. (Does John Thompson know they are using his name?) Yes, Mizzou had a trophy celebration for winning their tournament. And Grimes was named MVP, which the student section starts chanting, “M-V-P! M-V-P!” At this point I even feel embarrassed for them.

So that was the game. I got a good laugh out of the sparse crowd and the fact they were trailing a small school at half-time. I had a good time seeing Brian again. The experience was great. I hope you all get a chance to visit Paige Arena the next time you have a chance. There will be plenty of open seats for you.