Saturday, October 29, 2005

Kansas 13 Missouri 3

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Border War

It's the big week that will explain my blog title. Well, yes young sir, it does pretty much explain itself. But, this is a testimonial of how I interpret it. Missouri sucks in a special way for every individual, just as everyone takes a different lesson from Star Wars: A New Hope.

It'’s homecoming. And the Jayhawks are playing the Mizzou Tigers. And I hate Mizzou.

Crimes against humanity
But I'm not going to write about the 19th century atrocities committed by Missourians. After all, only a few thousand of them OWNED other people, and only a few thousand crossed across the border into the Kansas territory to steal an election and foist an immoral and illegal constitution onto the citizens of Kansas, thereby attempting to usurp a couple centuries of progress in self-determination and political freedom, not to mention dragging an emerging world power into one of the most bloody and fratricidal wars the world had ever seen.

Speaking of violence, there'’s no reason to mention the couple of raids on Lawrence, Kansas, the former capital of the Free State Kansans (the only ones with any political legitimacy) and current home of the University of Kansas. This includes that infamous Missourian William Quantrill'’s massacre of 150 men in Lawrence on August 21, 1863. But, as any proud Missourian will tell you, they never seceded and were indeed Unionists - a fact I am sure those Kansans shot and burned will find most reassuring.

Tyus Edny just stole Norm Stewarts walker!
Also, as it is football season, it's not really important to talk about the disaster that is Missouri basketball. It'’s cool that they would be ranked in the top ten in the early 90s, beat Kansas with players like Anthony Peeler and Doug Smith, and then crap out against anyone else when it really mattered. Seemed strange to me, that KU would beat big-time opponents on national television, and occasionally advance to the Final Four, but Missouri (who beat us!) couldn'’t do shit. But then my mom explained it to me: "“They suck; they'’re choking little bitches." Maybe those weren'’t her exact words, but close enough...

Quin Snyder. Right.

And I don'’t even want to think about the goddamned St. Louis Cardinals. Bat your pitcher eighth one more time Larussa, you might win the World Series. How many times does this guy win 100 games without bringing home the prize? Putz.

Brian Luke (Brian Luke!) shredded your team
But anyway, the reason we hate them is because their football team and fans are LAAAAAAAAAAAAAME. They are the Tigers. How many teams are the Tigers? I suppose it's not as generic as Wildcats, and they couldn't in this day and age be honest and call their team the Bushwackin'’ Slavers. Oh, it makes me mad to think of the thousands who come into my town in their horrible black and gold Tiger getups. I'’ll punch them if I see them.

Underachieving is what Missouri does best. They talk and talk and talk about how they'’re a football school, and their best year is what? 8-5 and a Poulan Weedeater Bowl (man, I love crappy bowl games -– bowl week is fun, except for all the crappy MAC teams that play in those games -– why do they get 35 bids?). I guess THIS is the year that Brad Smith wins the Heisman.

In a couple of hours they will play the game. We'’ve taken two in a row, and we'’ve got them in Lawrence. Fatty McFat Magino's job depends on winning this game (don'’t kid yourselves -– it really does). Despite all this, and God I hate to say this, but I saw this Kansas team, and I don'’t think they have a prayer of beating anyone in the Big 12...

Oh yeah, it'’s Mizzou -– they'’ll choke. KU 24 MU 17.


Shameless Bill Simmons rip-off of the week that'’s really just mocking him but only because he has the job I really want but I quit the Journalism school to study international relations and the prisoner's dilemma...

Have you guys been watching Laguna Beach? I mean, Kristen is totally awesome in a 90210 old person meets Melrose Place and The O.C., but then again LC is hot like when the Red Sox hit the Pesky poll and then a wrestling match broke out with the Clippers and then I wrote a book with Jimmy Kimmel who I mention all the time like anyone cares, but gawd Boston is cool like my wife who I only acknowledge by an annoying and dehumanizing nickname that I made up for her, but holy shit Keanu Reeves is a bad actor that I secretly have a (wait for the terribly lame fake word) mancrush (there it is!) on.

Gambling on the Patriots is awesome! But couldn'’t Paul Pierce try a little harder?

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Being a Royals fan is like being born blind and with no legs.

I’ll qualify that because it kind of offends even me. Being a Royals fan in the world of baseball is similar (not literally) to being severely handicapped in the real world. It really sucks, but it sucks so bad that no one really bothers to pick on you.

I was introduced to the Royals during the “Golden Age” of Kansas sports. This was a time period similar to the era of Pericles in Athens, when the Athenians ruled the known world with the most powerful military and best culture of the time. It does not bode well for me that neither Athens nor Greece has come near to that level in a couple of millennia. The Royals won the World Series in 1985, and my first memory of baseball was watching them in the ALCS against the Blue Jays that same year. The Golden Age ended in 1989 with the aftershock of Wichita State winning the College World Series, with two Final Four appearances by KU in 1986 and 1988 coming between the baseball titles - the ’88 KU team winning the title. Throughout this era, the Royals were a legitimate contender, with players like George Brett, Bo Jackson, and Bret Saberhagen, amongst others.

What is it like now? The Royals only appearance in the press this year was when they threatened the Major League record for consecutive losses. KC ended its streak at 19; the American League record was safe at 21, held by the Baltimore Orioles (the National League Cleveland Spiders set the Major League record at 24 in 1899). Is it worse to almost set the record, therefore losing at being the worst loser, or to actually set the record? I go with not setting the record, as it’s always better to be anonymous than infamous. I think.

Where did the losing start? I’ll give my recollection on it. Please be aware that I was five-years-old when they won the World Series, but I believe I understand the franchise better than those running it. Most Royals fans point to the death of the rich and generous Ewing Kauffman in 1993 as the beginning of the end, as KC was competitive until then. But that’s crap. It started before then.

Say it Ain’t So Bo
Bo Jackson played for the Raiders. This was unfathomable to me as a child. How can someone play for the Royals and the Raiders? I think it’s an inherent part of human nature for people to split the world into two sides – us and them. This begins at the earliest age on relatively simple levels but continues throughout life in varying degrees of complexity.

I’ll explain my world as a child to you in terms of these dichotomies: there’s my Royals against the Athletics and the Yankees (everyone else is somewhat neutral), my Chiefs and the Raiders and Broncos, my USA against the USSR (kind of the ultimate), my Republicans against Democrats, my Ford and then all other cars, my Coke against Pepsi, my Jayhawks against Missouri and K-State. Some of these have changed (Athletics to White Sox, USSR to Al-Qaeda, don’t care about car brands), but some have not (Pepsi still sucks, Raiders and the Broncos suck, and Missouri definitely sucks [by which I mean the University of Missouri in Columbia, as the Royals and the Chiefs play in Missouri, which is a dichotomy that almost blew up my young worldview]).

The point is that Bo was on both sides. He would crush homeruns for the Royals, and then destroy the Chiefs a month later as one of the best backs in football with the Raiders (special recognition to SuperTecmoBowl Bo, who has been widely recognized as the greatest Nintendo football player of all-time). It was as if Bo was a fighting Wolverine (Red Dawn) and then was in Top Gun trying to shoot down Merlin. Plus, Al Davis is way more evil than Gorbachev. The world could not support this clash; this crossing of the streams. The inevitable occurred: Bo destroyed his hip playing football. What could have been one of the greatest baseball careers in history was trashed by the typical three-year career of the NFL running back. I remember the day when the Royals released Bo. I was shocked. I had no idea his injury was so serious – just devastating news, both for the Royals and for my plan to fund my education with my 1987 Topps Bo Jackson rated rookie card.

The Curse of the Davis Brothers (who weren’t really brothers)
Before this happened, there were other signs as well. 1990 was going to be the year that the Royals overtook the A’s. We had the lineup, with Jackson, George Brett, Danny Tartabull, the immortal Willie Wilson. We had the pitching: Saberhagen, Mark Gubizca, and Kevin Appier were all frontline starters. The year before the Royals had won 92 games and finished second to the World Champion A’s (I had to look up the number of wins). And, we added Storm and Mark Davis. Storm (this name is kind of a harbinger of doom) was a starter for the A’s, and the Mark had had a monster year closing for the Padres (winning the Cy Young award). And the Royals went out and sucked that year. We didn’t even play .500 ball, and finished sixth out of seven teams in the old AL West. The Davises sucked, which began a decade of signing and trading for players that performed horribly for KC. After this horrendous year, Bo was injured.

Thus began the end of the era of good baseball in KC. Bo sold his soul to the Devil (Al Davis) and I have suffered because of it since. But I still love Bo. He just made a bad choice. And John Schuerholz left after 1989 to be the GM for the Braves. Maybe that’s why our signings sucked that year. After all, Schuerholz has only had teams dominate the majors since 1980 when he joined the Royals.

Ok, so it wasn’t inevitable that the Royals would go from one of the best franchises (oh yes, it’s true, they were) to one of the worst (ok, ok, the worst). Many people contributed to this sad decline. As my father has often stated, nothing in the history of the world has been proven so clearly and indisputably as the fact that those running the Royals are BAD at their job.

Fuck Chuck Knoblauch (and Juan Gonzalez, and Chili Davis)
The signposts of a proud franchise declining were slowly checked off (never lost 100 games – opps, never finished last – opps), forgettable manager after manager cycled through (Bob Wathan, Hal McRae, Tony Muser). Bad signing followed bad trade (Saberhagen traded for Kevin McReynolds, Keith Miller, and Greg Jeffries – a two-time Cy Young winner for Who, Who, and Who).

I’d heard the stories of the old KC A’s being a farm team for the rest of the league (e.g. Roger Maris to the Yanks for a song), but never imagined I’d see it happen again. The Saberhagen deal was just the beginning. Heard of Johnny Damon? Carlos Beltran? Jermaine Dye? Yeah, that’s what would be the best outfield in baseball. But KC, in its wisdom, opted to trade them for Neifi Perez, Roberto Hernandez, and Mark Tehan amongst others. Guess what? Yep, they all suck.

I could rant about being a small-market team, where greed and TV revenue rules the league. But what’s the point? Oakland’s not terrible. Minnesota is OK. Whatever the economics of the game (which are definitely unfair) – the Royals suck.

Nosotros Creemos

Like a last meal before being executed, the Royals opened 2003 with a big winning streak and were in FIRST place at the All-Star break. This coincided with two Final Fours in a row for KU – 2002 and 2003. Could it be a new era for Kansas of greatness? The gods responded clearly NO. KU choked away the title game to Syracuse by hitting less than 50% of their free throws, and the Royals floundered down the stretch. Charismatic manager Tony Pena became asshole annoying manager overnight. His catch phrase became a mockery of all us, and he resigned after having several affairs in KC putting him in precarious situations. Believe it! Surprisingly effective Jose Lima reverted to particularly horrible Jose Lima (Lima Time is over).

But, it took a long time for this to sink in. We’re a little isolated in Kansas, and I hung onto the idea that the Royals were a first rate team just going through a tough time much longer than the position was tenable. To paraphrase Rick Pitino: George Brett is NOT walking through that door, and neither is Willie Wilson. Not even Buddy Biancalana is going to be walking in. Linda Cohn openly mocks the Royals on ESPN – Linda Cohn! She of twelve toes! I finally realized the truth with this year’s losing streak, when the Royals were also threatening Detroit’s all-time losingest year when they dropped 119 games in 2003. Counting out the number of wins needed to avoid this kind of forces you to realize, wow, we suck.

We’re the new Tigers.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Recruiting is for nerds.

And for schools that suck at football. Only in places like Lawrence, Kansas are sports fans ecstatic after the football managed to score three points in a brutal loss to a regional rival for the second consecutive week. The reason? Sherron Collins, a high school senior in Chicago, decided that he would attend the University of Kansas next year and play ball for Bill Self.

Momentum on this decision had been building for weeks. Now, I know none of the people involved. I live hundreds of miles away. My opinions are based entirely on what people have been writing, anomalously, on the message boards of the two main contenders for Mr. Collins’ services: Phog.net for the Jayhawks, and illiniboard.com, the clearing house for the Fightin’ Illini of the University of Illinois.

Illinois sucks. I must stop for a moment and make that clear. Not as much as Missouri, but they suck. After Self left Illinois to coach at KU, a quasi-rivalry has risen between U of I and KU. I say quasi because the teams haven’t actually played a game against each other since Self came to KU. This rivalry exists purely on the level of shit talking between idiots like me who care enough to read (and those even dumber – to post on) these message boards. But enough back story. The Illini suck.

So, for weeks the buzz from those in “the know” has been Collins to KU. Usually, enough gossip one way or another is enough to indicate what’s up, both in politics and sports. Collins was thus in Lawrence for his official visit to KU, which was timed to coincide with the festivities that accompany the first official practice for the KU basketball team.

Now, I’m going to speculate as to why Collins committed. I was in Lawrence on Friday, the same day as Collins. It was 85 degrees, sunny, calm, and absolutely gorgeous. This alone isn’t enough, but I believe it helps KU immensely. KU has low expectations just like a bad politician. Here’s the view of the state of Kansas: flat as a pancake (true), terrible weather (sometimes true), no ocean (definitely true), and no culture (kinda somewhat true). So, with these views of Kansas in mind, a recruit shows up for their visit. Someone with good foresight put the campus of KU on the only hill in the state, along one of two rivers in Kansas, and in one of the few places with trees. Coupled with historic buildings and the money of a big time university in town, and Lawrence is actually quite beautiful. Especially on gorgeous spring and fall days, when most recruits visit. Therefore, one of the few liabilities of the program is completely neutralized, just like a politician considered retarded gets points by showing up at a debate and speaking in complete sentences. Thus, a trip to Lawrence is really an advantage when other programs have been telling recruits how bad it would be to live in Kansas.

That’s the first reason. The second is the fact that 16,000 plus go to that Late Night practice. And it’s on ESPN (ok, ESPN2, but still). For PRACTICE, we’re talking about PRACTICE (thank you AI). It’s loud, and there’s banners, and there’s basketball alum, like Wilt, Danny Manning, and Paul Pierce. Not as great as Jordan et al at NC, but good. And you know all your games will be on television, most on ESPN and some on network TV. Everyone wants to be famous.

Third, Bill Self is cool. I was eating a hamburger at Jefferson’s on Mass (the main street in Lawrence – the “downtown” if you will [and I did]). Bill Self walked by, and he was just strollin’. With Self was one of last year’s recruit Julian Wright, who was also a highly-ranked prep player from Chicago, wearing a shirt that said “Lottery Pick”. They make an impression.

Women. That’s the final reason. I think there are seriously underrated hot girls in Lawrence. There are the blondes from Minnesota, Jewish girls from Chicago, and Southern girls as well. And I’m guessing those boys on the basketball team get what they want. And they can party with them – you can drink and get high from day one on campus, and no one’s going to give you shit unless you start a fight.

Collins is the fifth five-star recruit to commit to KU in two years. I welcome him, and the others: the scoring point guard Mario Chalmers out of Alaska, the Mike Dunleavy clone out of Seattle Micah Downs, Mr. Wright mentioned earlier, and Brandon Rush, a 6’8” swingman with 42” vertical.

That’s why no one cares that KU football absolutely sucks.